E3 2009 Coverage, Day 1. Spotlight: Microsoft

by Syke on Jun.01, 2009, under Games

All right, as promised, I’ve forsaken sleep and offline activities to watch the E3 conference live at 1 PM. In any case, I will type this as I see it, so please note that this will be mostly free-written and it may come off as very, very informal (or maybe even wrong). But who cares about formality, we’re not doing an essay here. We’re here to find out about our games, yo. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you…

SPOTLIGHT: MICROSOFT
So it starts with some dumbass, boring, 2-minute-long video playing 60s rock and roll, announcing… Beatles Rock Band? Really? We’re releasing an installment to the virtual band genre based around one band? Well, I’m not a Rock Band or a Guitar Hero fan, so I don’t really care. Also, Beatles, big whoop. What’s next? Jonas Brothers Guitar Hero? Okay, so as I write this, they’ve been singing gay-ass Beatles song for the past 4 minutes; yes, they’ve been covering a game based on one rock band for over 5 minutes now. Why are you still talking about it? Beatles meets Rock Band, we fucking get it. You could be using this time to cover more goddamn games, but I guess milking it for all it’s worth, and even more is part of making up for actual good stuff. Know what? I’m just gonna stop typing now, wait for this shit to end.

7 minutes of insufferable songs later…

Ok, it’s over– No wait, they– YES, finally. Some guy said “Welcome to E3.” Now begins the long-winded monologue bullshit philosophy about playing games, connecting with the world, the comfort in the living room, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Oh, what’s this? No charts about game sales and other rates? And 10 new unannounced releases? Already I wonder what the catch is.

Down comes Tony Hawk, announcing his newest skateboard game, Tony Hawk Ride. It would seem they’ve finally made a “skateboard pad” for you to actually get on a virtual skateboard a la DDR. It sounds interesting, but how it’ll be practical is beyond me, as I don’t see how you can duplicate going airborne when you never really do (or can, even) in your living room.

Thankfully, that was a short announcement, and now we’re moving on to better things: The FPSes. There is a very visually appealing trailer playing now about… Oh yes, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2. And there’s a very, very sweet release date: 10/11/09. Very nice; that sparked my interest. Oh! And a showcased demo, even! All right, so your character and his partner are slowly edging themselves over some icy cliffs all mountaineer-style. Seems you control your climb the icy cliff, or it could just be a semi-interactive cutscene, who knows. The screen goes black and “In the interest of time…” appears on the screen; the character is now holding an assault rifle and is stealthily making his way through what appears to be an enemy outpost, though the radio chatter’s unintelligible to me right now. After starting a huge gunfight and running around an airstrip, the screen goes black again, but I couldn’t make out what the text said this time. Now he’s fighting dozens of baddies, and they don’t seem to be terrorists, unless you think terrorists have their own air force. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell what the jet fighter was, but it might have been a MiG. I wouldn’t be surprised if the setting was Russia, snow and all. And the player gets on a snowmobile, drives down the mountain while shooting enemies with his machine pistol, and it ends. Cue crowd cheer. I can’t wait for more on that. (The snow mobile part later did remind me of James Bond, something I have to critisize.)

But it seems the FPSes are taking a seat in the back, as Xbox continues to establish a foothold in the RPG realm and by extension–in other words–Japan. Two Japanese guys walk in to talk about Final Fantasy. Cue cheap laughs by me due to Engrish bits. A minute or so later we move on to the trailer. A blonde version of FFX-2 protagonist Yuna and some afro (I think) guy in a suit jumping around some… mecha-ship boss thing? Yeah, I’m really sleepy here, give me a break if I get anything wrong, and FF’s great proficiency at being boring and expected isn’t helping matters. Something about four active time gauges and other RPG jargon. Cue an Odin special summon to put icing on the cake, in a matter of speaking. Well, that was a very short (and disappointing) trailer. Then again, I’m not a Final Fantasy fan. And you shouldn’t be either, considering the 2010 release date. Cue fanrage. Except not really.

Ah, Cliffy of Epic Games walks on to the stage with… some other guy. I laugh a little bit to myself because his MICROPHONE’S BROKEN! It keeps going static and going from very low to very high volume, and he lampshades it and the crowd laughs. Oh you’re so clever, person whose name I’ll never know. Anyway, seems Epic Fail Games is showcasing a new shoot-em-up for the Live Arcade. I missed the title, but oh well, nothing much there. I honestly thought we were going to hear about Gears of War this early. (It later turns out we didn’t hear anything about Gears at all, unsurprisingly enough.)

It seems while I was typing the above paragraph I missed a racing game called Joyride. Meh, we all know none of this is just foreplay, anyhow. Micro$oft is such a cockteasin’ prostitute. Anyway, yet another visually appealing trailer shows up, and it seems to be a sequel to the game Crackdown. You know, that game everyone got only because it had the Halo 3 Beta in it. Seems they’re rolling the trailers out really quickly, considering we’re half-way through a zombie game and– I fucking knew it. Left 4 Dead 2! That is so funny, though. There’s two numbers in that game! Also, the chainsaw sound effect sounded exactly like the Gears Lancer, why lie? One more thing: November 17, 2009. Remember it, Valve fans, for that is the day you’ll be GRABBIN’ PILLS once more.

Holy shit, they’re steamrolling these trailers out. There’s been no pause now for the past 5 minutes. Now they’re playing one about an upcoming Splinter Cell game: Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Conviction. Ah ha, and now, we’ve stopped for another small “played demo” to expand on the newest Splinter Cell game, just like Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 earlier. According to the guy talking in monotone, “each environment is like a mini-sandbox, allowing you to infiltrate whichever way you want.” Additionally, “the darkness is where Sam really shines…” Oh ho ho, now THAT was a gem! You’re so clever, spokesperson! Well, that was a very fine display of shit A.I., considering he practically walked up to his last enemy, who pointed his gun away, allowing himself to be grabbed by Fisher. Anyway, Fall 2009, Xbox exclusive. Suck on that, Sony. Then again, inb4 inevitable port, why lie?

“Definitive racing game for this generation” Forza Motorsport 3. Ladies and gentlemen, DAN GREEN!…ward. Oops, got me flustered for a second there. Way to disappoint, Microsoft. So apparently they needed a guy whose name was similar to a bad-ass voice actor to try and make this a bit more exciting, considering that was boring as fuck. Cue Dan Green wannabe “With action like that…” what action, dickhead? You played a 30-second gameplay trailer! Brb, snoring.

5 insufferable minutes of this racing game later…

Oh shit! I just snapped awake when I saw the guy’s shirt read “Bungie”. Now ready to drop: Halo 3: ODST. For the first time, we’re seeing what it looks like to be inside a ODST (Orbital Drop Shock Trooper) drop pod, a sci-fi concept consisting of putting men inside a craft (a “pod”) and dropping them from high in the atmosphere (or low orbit) straight into the killzone for the military science fiction illiterate. And of course, the drop goes awfully wrong, and you don’t see the whole thing. Hate that cliche. Well, this is interesting so far, but from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t seem much different from playing as a Spartan or Elite. I mean, the ODST, callsign “Rookie”, just charged a Covenant squad and took them all out in similar fashion to the Master Chief. By himself. I mean, yeah, ODSTs are good, but they’re no Spartans. Whatever happened to ODSTs having no shields? Maybe this is at a lower difficulty, but still, where’s the so-called “realism” here? So, here’s a flashback similar to the famous sniper mission in Call of Duty 4, where you play as Rookie’s fallen comrades. Dude picks up a Spartan Laser and blows shit up. End Halo 3: ODST… BUT! That’s not all! Bungie guy announces a top-secret project another team in Bungie’s been working on. Apparently, this is so epic that my TV’s broken stereo decided to work just for this trailer. And I guessed right: this is Halo: Reach. ‘Falls’ 2010. Not released. Falls. In any case, I speculate that this “Halo: Reach“, whatever it is, will be based on the Halo novel(s), which is great. Too bad there’s absolutely no detail to it, not even its genre.

I’m surprised that wasn’t the main event, and we’re still going. Sorry, I was too busy spinning my head around the whole Halo thing to– Some trailer about Alan Wake. Whatever that is. Apparently it’s about killing monsters with a flashlight. …Yeah.

Several minutes of Alan Wake later…

Sounds like Last F.M.’s coming to Xbox Live. Live television is now going to be broadcoast through the Xbox 360 via Sky, too. Some other crap about how they’re making the streaming better, more high-definition crap, yada-yada. So this is the non-gaming multimedia segment. “It takes ages for a video to download…” and it’s taking ages for you to get back to the actual games, buddy.

…Facebook. Really? Oh, oh great, it’s a fucking bimbo with a lisp. Fuck this. Adding another virtual time-skip.

Several minutes of that bullshit later…

“I hope you have a great E3,” says the bimbo. Yes, woman, because E3 is clearly the gamers’ holiday. Anyway, what are we moving on to here? Some guy’s talking about a franchise we all want to see on the– HOLY SHIT I SHAT BRICKS WHEN I HEARD THAT! The famed “!” sound plays, and… Hideo Kojima sneaks into the stage! Yes, Metal Gear Solid is finally coming to the Xbox 360. Sadly and STUPIDLY, it’s not a port of MGS4, but rather a new game based around Raiden, called Metal Gear Solid: Rising (bad title).

…Okay, so he called the Wiimote a wand. I freakin’ loled. Finally, the motion-sensor controller rumors are put to rest, as there is no controller… you are the controller. In Project Natal (“Birth”? More bad titles), you use your whole body to control games, as it detects 3D movements and has voice recognition, and all of that sophisticated stuff.

It looks like a significant and technological step-up over the Wiimote, a stepping stone to a full virtual reality. But will it really operate as flawlessly as it was depicted? In comes Steven Spielberg, pretentiously talking about how a decade ago he said how the interactive medium known as video games could be introduced to the wider populace, because “everybody loves books, music, and movies,” but “picking up a controller is daunting.” He even throws facts such as 60% of households not owning a game console even today. Yes, Spielberg, because your opinion matters in the video game industry. I didn’t know making a game about blocks instantly made your voice important in this subculture. Remind me to ask T-Pain about his view on science fiction later on, why don’t you?

So, some guy who looks white but is apparently Japanese starts talking to us about this Project Natal. He showcases his creation and shows his avatar; it looked kinda glitchy, though I noticed little flaws in the gameplay segment. However, when a second player walked in, it got visually glitchy for a second (I saw it coming, to be honest). To be honest, I don’t know if that would cause any problems, but I think it’s worth noting. And introducing the main event: A “game” about interacting with a British kid named Milo in the likeness of Hey You, Pikachu!, except with 10 years’ worth of technological development. All in all, I’m looking forward to how this develops. If done well, this could indeed be a landmark in computer entertainment, as they said. But I have my doubts that this will truly be revolutionary. I sense half-assery, or some other assorted thing where only profit counts. It’s obvious this was developed to negate the Wii’s whole motion sensor gimmick, but will Microsoft really try to step it up, or will they just develop it enough just to have something to compete against Nintendo’s trump card with?

And so the conference ends. Surprisingly, that wasn’t bad at all. Hell, I could say that was good. Plenty of core game announcements, and not too much time was spent on casual stuff. One too many dull moments, but that is in no way unexpected. I’m pretty sure Microsoft will, once again, have the best conference this year and dominate, and that the rest of E3 won’t be as exciting, unless Sony and Nintendo (all it would take is the announcement of a new Mario/Zelda!!!) make a comeback. Or this EA / Ubisoft conference surprises me, even. Currently, I am waiting for that conference to begin later on in the afternoon. I am very curious as to why two third-party companies are getting their own conference.

Remember that for discussion on E3 2009, go visit the E3 Official Discussion thread at the Visionary Nexus forums.

Next up: EA and Ubisoft conference!

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