Also, believe it or not, I’ve been anticipating this episode in particular. Why? I’ll explain 2 paragraphs below.

IN THE DARK REACHES OF SPACE!

After the events of Halo 3 (wherein (*ahem* Spoiler alert!(?)) the Master Chief and Cortana end up lost in deep space in a half-destroyed warship), Cortana finds herself with nothing better to do than to contemplate her virtual navel (and perhaps the Master Chief’s cryogenetically-frozen navel, as well). She claims that upon her creation, it took her 2 hours to absorb the data pertaining to all of human history, knowledge, and understanding. Well, thanks for being such a cocky cunt, Cortana. Maybe you should take up being a schoolteacher… Actually holy shit that should totally happen. A.I. teachers? No, not that! Cortana in a teacher’s–

I mean … Anyway, so this is when the flashbacks begin. Oh boy, the flashback of all flashbacks. The flashback that retells the entire Halo timeline, from 100,000 BC to 2553 AD. Not that this is a bad thing, as this episode can be compared to The Animatrix’s The Second Renaissance, and everybody knows that was the best short of the Animatrix anthology. But then again, most people watching these should already know the history, so you would think they make up for it in pretty cinematics and finally showing us a glimpse of what really happened back then, of Forerunner civilization, right? Right, so I won’t bother with a synopsis as there isn’t much to say. As I mentioned before, I’ll make it up to you with what everyone loves: Pretty pictures!

Cortana proves she was behind it all by showing us her All-Seeing Eye...

100,000 years ago, the Forerunners ruled the galaxy.
Until a bunch of extragalactic space zombies knocked on their door and, ahem, flooded their worlds and colonies.

The Flood, to those who don’t know, is an Eldritch abomination that feeds on intelligent life, sucks their brains and bones dry, and uses them as space marine zombies from then on to kick your ass. They put a new meaning to, “stop hitting yourself!” Except in a species sense. Or something.

"They waited too long to see the threat," says Cortana as millions of Flood organisms descend upon Forerunner worlds and overrun them. And yes, every dot is one, and every frame has like, even more coming down. Seriously, how in the hell did these guys rule the galaxy and have god-like technology, when they couldn't stop what amounts as a bunch of space poo coming down meteor-like on your planet? Oh, no wait... I see the problem now.

ZE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHINGZ!

So the highly-intelligent Forerunners fought a millennial war against the Flood. But they had royally fucked up the beginning, so like pretty much every RTS in existence (including Halo Wars! *gets chased by PCfag mob*), once you screw up the beginning, chances are you’re fighting a losing battle.

"I can only guess this, fill the gaps." That's OK, Cortana, the cinematic does the job for ya!

Not shown: Energy swords FIRING THEIR LAZERZ HOREE SHIIET

So um, yeah. They fought, and they fought, but the Forerunners were no match for… The Flood’s tentacles.

It's okay to fantasize there's a hot, starved chick underneath all that sleek armor... You freak.

Rule 34 in the making

Who animated these, again?

Right, the story. So as you may or may not know, the Forerunners were screwed, so they decided to nuke all life in the galaxy with the Halo array they built. Yes, you got it. They said, “well, we tried, guys. Time to nuke everything because we fucked up.” At least Cortana lampshades the irony, and brings up a valid point, for anyone going “WTF?” by now.

Vore not included. Tentacles but no vore? Son, I am disappoint.

So they show the Halo rings over the homeworlds of several Covenant species, and the gateway to the Ark on Earth. At this point in time I am uncertain if this doesn’t contradict other established canon of where the other rings are, but what the hell. So they fetch up the DNA of some evolving species, like us humans, and several Covenant species. So, yay, we’re all clones, apparently. Unfortunately, said species would worship the very beacon of their salvation to a fanatic level, live off their technology and use it to bring holy war and genocide throughout the galaxy. Neglectful precursors: More common than you may think.

TL;DR: Lost in deep space, a crazy A.I. woman rambles to herself because she has nothing better to do, because her cyborg super-soldier space marine boyfriend’s junk is going to be frozen solid for a long, long time. (Not like she can touch it, anyway, the holographic bitch.) Also, space zombies tentacle-raping a highly advanced humanoid species to death. Goddamn you, Japan.

Conclusion: As usual, not much to say here about the episode itself. It wasn’t really as good as the Second Renaissance, for starters — That one actually gave more answers than questions. This one gave more questions then answers.

Sure, we know what the Forerunner may have looked like (and I say may seeing how unreliable the other Japanese studios were in appearances), and that is like Clone (clones from clones?) troopers from the Star Wars Clone Wars cartoon. The one where General Grievous is a badass, not the one he’s as wimpy as George Lucas makes him out to be to compensate for his lack of a–GIGANTIC TAGER!

But as I said, it doesn’t answer some things, namely why the hell the Forerunner were unable to save themselves, when it is shown they survived not only the Halo blast long enough to repopulate every damn planet with primitive, suspiciously bipedal monkeys, lizards and what-have-you, but you would think they’d put their own survival before that of the funny primitive creatures they saved. And why is humanity special compared to the other species they saved? Besides building the gateway to the Ark on Earth, there’s not much difference. Hell, they got Halo rings over their homeworlds, which led to their worship (great going, highly-advanced god-like species! Oh…wait.)

Meanwhile, WE get an ancient colossal megastructure buried for a hundred-thousand years beneath the continent thoroughly explored most by archaeologists, and that’s that.

But enough rambling; to put it simply, it was decent, but I’d expect better. And seeing part 1 of Origins covered the most riddling aspect of the Halo timeline, I’d say part 2 will dick around just as much, maybe even more so. Or maybe they’ll asspull the Emperor of Japan being descended from the Forerunners and having migrated from the planet Venus, where Japanese Covenant live in Japanese castles and worship Buddha before he even existed. Who knows?

Segnala presso:

… Pun intended.

After some 300-styled slow-motion dashing, Frederic blasts through a sealed door and the trio blitzkrieg across the ship, gunning down hordes and hordes of Covies. During this, there’s several clips from the first-person view, showing the familiar HUD found in the video games. I thought it was nice, if a bit tacky. They didn’t try to depict the realistic movement of arms aiming firearms around, for instance, and the crosshairs always remained stuck in the center of the screen. Guess they didn’t really care for extra details there.

Eventually, the unnamed Elite Major and his guard intercept the Spartans. Frederic blocks an energy sword with his Spartan laser (lolwut? Shouldn’t it cut through it?) and then knives the fucker in the eye (which I’ll admit, was badass). Then he holds off the Major and his remaining lackey so John and Kelly can go on ahead.

Desperate as the Spartans come closer to their objective, the Commander/Shipmaster/Fleet Admiral/Thel(?) accesses the bridge controls and starts detaching parts of his flagship and letting the hull pieces fly off to space in an attempt to impede the Spartans’ advance. As for the poor bastards still occupying those sectors, the Commander claims that he’s “letting them die with honor.”

After frolicking their way through Dead Space (*rimshot*), Kelly grabs Chief and tosses him through the vacuum so he goes ahead to “go get her.”

The Package turns out to be Dr. Catherine Elizabeth Halsey, founder of the Spartan-II project, in cryogenic stasis. Worth it? I s’pose. She’s important, and stuff. If it wasn’t for an unnamed female at the beginning of part 1, I would’ve wagered that Halsey or Cortana was the titular package. Speaking of Cortana, the design team lets us know they know Cortana’s based on Halsey, which allows them to get lazy and recycle nostalgic Cortana lines from Halo 1 & 2… except in a British accent. They hurry up and scoot, but their escape is blocked.

The Major shows up (Frederic’s nowhere to be found). Chief unloads a full magazine on him, only for the Major to casually block it with his sword. He’s like “lol wtf was that n00b fgt” and throws a sword hilt to Chief a la Meta-Knight from the Kirby games. In fact, that’s his new name: Meta-Knight. In fact, he proves he’s god-tier.

Unnamed Elite Major MetaGame-Knight made “the Master Chief” John-117, iconic protagonist/unbeaten one-man army of the Halo trilogy, his bitch. In 15 seconds flat. Before delivering the deathblow, however, alarms sound off; the fleet’s left the “magnetic interference” distortion field it was in, so the Covenant are abandoning the system. The section they’re in is promptly scuttled by the Commander, which mocks Meta-Knight claiming all he would make a good Arbiter (+prequel irony). Meta-Knight is beamed up to the working remnants of the flagship, nastily cursing the Commander a thousand hells or something fierce. Makes me wonder why the Commander saved the guy; he’d already sacrificed thousands of poor bastards under his command. Why not some prick he hates?

Knowing they’re seconds away from being blown up to the other side of the galaxy (hopefully, somewhere friendly with sunny beaches and without dogmatic aliens), Chief and Halsey hijack an escape pod and GTFO the scuttled flagship as it blows to bits. They’re chased by even more poor bastards that were ditched by Commander Jackass. They don’t have to for long, though, as Frederic and Kelly come to the rescue along with the UNSC stealth ship they deployed from.

What the fuck, Frederic? How did you make it out? Did you run away like a pussy from Meta-Knight, or something? Seeing he totally owned Master motherfucking Chief in 15 seconds flat, I wouldn’t doubt it.

In the end, they are united in the ship, where Halsey congratulates them. But because they lost two Spartans, the Chief gives off some forced speech about how he wasn’t “strong enough” and that he “needs to get stronger.” You know the one. Remember who makes these?

TL;DR: Spartans plow thrugh clusterfuck, get package (Spoilers HOLY SHIT IT’S DR. HALSEY), ironic events surrounding future Arbiter Thel, Spartans and Halsey ride into the sunset … go home?

Conclusion: Nothing much to say here. There’s little to poke fun of. Not a very thrilling conclusion, either. Surprisingly, though, the short is 14:08 long, total. So I guess I was off by 4 minutes in that aspect.

Something struck me, and it’s related to the Arbiter. If you couldn’t tell from the summary, he used to be a major dick. At this point, I’m starting to think they’re putting in a bit of prequel irony to ensure us that yes, Thel is a jackass and his conversion to Arbiter was deserved…

This, after two games of making us sympathetize for him getting ostracized by the fanatical religious empire he swore to serve for the destruction of Installation 04 (the first Halo) and his entire armada. So first, they make us sympathetize him in the games (where it’s implied he wasn’t incompetent, and that he wasn’t to blame) and now he’s portrayed as an overzealous asshole. I haven’t read the novels, I’ll admit, so I’m not sure if this is news, but he’s never portrayed that way in the games, so it came as a bit of a surprise. I’d call his case (as well as the other characters) “character derailment”, but I would just be assuming there.

Alternatively, I might have been misinformed and it turns out the Major is the future Arbiter, not the Commander. If that’s the case, it explains why he kicked John’s ass so easily, and it might explain his personality and the sympathy we’re supposed to have for him (which makes the above paragraph invalid). The irony loses its sting, though, as it was the Commander which jested about the Major being Arbiter one day. 

As of this point, I’m not sure anymore and, frankly, I don’t give a damn. The events are still ironic, no matter which one’s Thel.

If I’d read the novels, I could probably form a better opinion, but I haven’t. Something tells me they messed with the characters a bit too much, though, and I’d be able to pick that apart rather easily. Though not as easily as how the anime companies seem to like picking apart decades of progress from the U.S. civil rights movement. No wait, mainstream rap music already did that first… Never mind.

Segnala presso:

Contrary to popular belief, coquito is, in fact, not made of coquis or the legendary coqui water.

Inside jokes aside, worry not. I have ceased drinking the stuff to watch this 5-minute action-fest known as “The Package” (Part 1). Spoilers: MASTER CHIEF, SPARTANS FROM THE NOVELS, ARBITER FROM HALO 2-3! HYPE!

The Covenant has captured a “high-priority package”, and a Spartan squad only has 10 minutes to retrieve it. They include John-117 (better known as the “Master Chief”) and his fellow Spartans, Kelly-087, Frederic-104, Solomon-069, and Arthur-079. The Spartans hail from the novels, excluding the latter two; they’re redshirts debut characters. If they run out of time, the UNSC will simply annihilate the entire fleet alongside the package and the Spartan strike team. When the titular package is revealed, it better be something really worth it or I’ll facepalm at the opportunity to take out, you know, an entire fleet of evil genocidal aliens.

A “stellar field” something I didn’t quite catch is keeping the Covenant fleet from simply doing a Slipspace jump and high-tailing it to another system. Handwavium aside, the Spartans deploy in what are essentially space fighter jet motorcycles and an epic Star Wars-styled space battle ensues.

The first scan reading reveals the package is in the ship. Solomon goes for it and asks Kelly to back him up. The Chief knows “something’s off” when the first reading, out of a whole fleet of ships, turned out positive. Knowing it’s too good to be true, he goes in after the pair to save them. John manages to save Kelly because she’s in the hangar bay; Solomon, however, isn’t so fortunate and perishes when an antimatter bomb blows up in his face, taking the entire cruiser with him.

I just know you guys are at the edge of your freakin’ seats now (This is intense!!!), but I’m pausing the plot now for humor something I noticed.

Remember that whole business with “Chad” (whose name turned out to be “Checkman”) back when this whole thing started? Yeah, meet this week’s redshirt:

This guy.

I’m starting to notice a trend here, and to my surprise when I went to fetch this link, so has TVTropes. In Solomon’s defense, though, the Covenant sacrificed an entire battlecruiser, several kilometers wide, with or without its crew just to eliminate him. Granted, it was a trap to lure every present Spartan-II to their destruction, seeing they’re widely feared by the Covenant (they’re so notorious, the Covenant calls them “Demons”). So, in super-soldier space marine-ology, this is the equivalent of dying from a firecracker. Unfortunate implications indeed.
By the way, his last words were, “It’s a trap!” Make of that what you will.

Resuming the plot (lol), the Covenant Fleet Admiral, revealed to be Thel ‘Vadamee (The Arbiter from Halo 2 & 3), plays his role of the villain by laughing evilly and rubbing his hands together and such, while some unnamed Elite aide insists to not underestimate the Spartans. Thel chastises him for being the sole survivor of his battallion and not dying with honor.

The Spartans realize the Covenant are wary to their objective when they get multiple readings from every ship in the fleet. Because of this, good ol’ Chief somehow comes to the conclusion the package is at the Covenant flagship. Yes, really. So they go there, lose debuting stand-in Arthur in the process, and bomb the shit outta Thel’s flagship’s hangar bay (including pulling an unmanned kamikaze attack with their space motorcycles. Remember who animates these?)

Meanwhile, Thel’s aide starts getting edgy and decides to leave the bridge to go meet the Spartans head-on when they do board the flagship. Thel scoffs at this notion, claiming he is merely overestimating them.

John, Kelly, and Frederic land in the bay, and after the smoke clears, they are inside a bubble shield, waiting for it to dissipate, so they can get a move on through thousands of enemy combatants. As the tension rises from waiting for the bubble to go down, Kelly says they only have 3 minutes left. Interestingly, the short if only 5:16 long. 

The Master Chief simply utters, “Go!”, the bubble shield disappears, and they head out to kick some ass.

A big, fat, “To be continued” pops up on screen. I totally didn’t see that coming, not at all.

TL;DR: Master Chief and other Spartan-IIs have a space battle against a Covenant fleet.

Conclusion: At only 5 minutes and 16 seconds, this week’s short is an improvement. Although the shortest episode so far, it has what everyone wants (and indeed expects) from a sci-fi blockbuster like Halo — Action. Unlike the other entries insofar, this one keeps completely faithful to Halo canon by not having ancient alien Japanese ruins (which, since then, I’ve read also included statues of Buddha) and Elites in samurai armor. The fact it has actual memorable characters from the games and novels is another sweet treat for fans. That and the fact Elite mandibles were actually properly animated unlike in the abomination known as Duel.

This CGI explosion fest should prove entertaining the whole way, but did it really need to be divided into two parts? It has little plot, and it’s only 5 minutes long.
Five. Freakin’. Minutes. Seriously. What. The. Fuck.
Even if you had the whole package, it would, presumably, be approximately 10 minutes long. The Babysitter was about 18 minutes long, whereas Duel was about 12. It makes no sense. Honestly, they probably decided to divide it into two parts because I’d bet my money it’ll be the best of the 9 shorts. It wasn’t excellent, but this is honestly the best I see these short films getting. Well, unless one of them averts the whole “black dude dies first” thing. Then that one will have me sold.

Segnala presso:

I thought the Arbiter armor was metallic gray? Seems like that ain’t real gold, and that everything about this short is cheap.

In any case,  this short apparently takes place during the early days of the Covenant Empire, when the Sangheili-San ‘Shyuum (Elite-Prophet) alliance was formed. Yet, there’s Hunters and Grunts featured. I’m not sure, but I’m certain those weren’t subjugated by the Covenant until much later. Say, centuries later. Well, technicalities aside.

An oversized moon reflects upon a still pond. Somewhere, an astronomer is crying, when he shouldn’t. As Unskippable any genre-savvy fellow would inform you, everybody knows the moon is bigger in Japan… Land of the Mooninites.

The current Arbiter, Fal, after ignoring warnings of a trap by “the Boatman”, has a swordfight with half a dozen fellow Elites. There are flashbacks in the midst of said fight, which conveniently reduces the fight scene budget by half and moves the scene to a daydreaming Fal sitting with his wife, Han. And I’ll tell you right this instant that she looks like what Cleopatra would’ve looked like were she in the movie Antz. Seeing himself in inevitable danger, he suggests she leave to save herself. Naturally, she refuses stubbornly.

After training with some of his troops on his suspiciously-looking samurai robes (hakama and everything, just to remind you this 3D clusterfuck was animated by an anime company) a servant pleads to Fal not to go against the Prophets. He counters that the Sanghelli/Elites were great before the Covenant, and that their honor has been subverted by a thirst for power. One of Fal’s fellow Elites, Haka, takes this opportunity to attempt to usurp Fal’s leadership and become head of the clan. In cooperation with the Prophets, of course. Also, he wears a full set of samurai armor. Groovy.

The aforementioned flashbacks are related to Fal’s service to the Prophets, and his rebellion against the Covenant. He declares the Great Journey, the central theme of Covenant religion, a lie. For this, the Prophets declare the once-honorable rank/title of Arbiter to be “a mark of shame”, which pretty nicely explains the origins of the Arbiter mythos. While he fights a Covenant army by himself, the servant from before betrays Fal for Haka, by leading the latter to Han. While Fal brutalizes said army, his wife is likewise brutalized (offscreen) by the servant and Haka’s troop. After much reluctance, the servant kills her, and the Arbiter returns home to that horrific sight. With this, he sets off to accept Haka’s challenge.

After a short exchange, there is an even shorter duel which probably lasted less than 5 seconds. Yes, the titular duel for which this story was named for was short and anti-climatic as all hell. It got so cheap in the end that I thought my stream froze because the overuse of several still shots were that poorly done. There’s no need to explain the duel; it’s the classic “we’ll decide this in one blow” you see practically everywhere. But I’ll do it anyway, for one reason in particular.

After said poorly done still shot, Fal gushes a massive, so-ridiculously-looking-it’s-hilarious fountain of purple alien blood grape juice. Seconds later, the camera shifts angle so we see Fal’s sword, too, has dealt a fatal blow to Haka. As the cliché continues to unveil, they both fall and die. Insert sad music and credits. Yup, that’s all.

TL;DR: Cliché samurai short story IN SPACE! With aliens.

Conclusion: This short presents us with the origins of the Arbiter mythos and finally solves the mystery of whether Egyptian ant alien chicks are hot or…wait, that’s not it.

In the heyday of the Covenant Empire, the Arbiter was a heretic who underwent a suicide mission to redeem himself in the ultimate sacrifice for the Great Journey. As one can see, it was originally a rank of prestige, until an early Arbiter was branded a heretic, and so his armor has since been symbolically donned by subsequent Arbiters to save the Covenant from great crisis. In that aspect, it’s a great origin story (God knows I can be a bit of a sucker for that trope), but the lack of plot and memorable characters, as well as its poorly-written story weigh it down significantly to nothing remarkable. It seems to me that, sadly, this trend will follow in each of the Halo Legends episodes as they come.

Whether you like the three two average fight scenes or not, this is nothing but a cliché storm reminiscent of samurai fiction, including an Orient-inspired soundtrack to go along with it. Don’t bother; it’s a waste of 15 minutes of time better spent elsewhere, like matchmaking in Halo to have a teabag party with a bunch of 12-year-olds (and what is this?), which is, ultimately, what this is all about.

Segnala presso:

In some mess hall IN SPACE, some nobody tries to eavesdrop on a squad of Orbital Drop Shock Troopers (ODSTs), a.k.a. “Helljumpers.” (This is important because he’s part of the ending aesop thing.) We’re introduced to said squad of 4 ODSTs: O’Brian, Cortez, Dutch (the same from Halo 3: ODST, apparently), and… some black dude. I didn’t catch his name. Let’s just call him Chad. Not like it matters anyway.

… What? Don’t look at my pixelated text like that. IT MAKES SENSE IN CONTEXT, TRUST ME. READ ON AND FIND OUT.

Now, before we continue with the plot, let’s pause to consider the main character: O’Brian.

Our would-be badass who "never misses". If only he wasn't more incompetent than a conscript straight outta boot camp...

As you can see, he looks like the typical shounen protagonist and, if my anime dub viewer intuition hasn’t failed me, sounds just like a mix of Johnny Yong Bosch and Yuri Lowenthal. He instantly comes off as the loudmouth badass type (and looks cool while at it). And he’s a sniper. Come on, what could possibly go wrong? Nothing. That is, till shit hits the fan. For the oncoming mission, he’s been neglected to back-up and replaced with a Spartan, so this makes him butthurt the whole episode towards the (obviously) magnanimous Spartan. Thus, from here on out, I shall rate O’Brian with what I’ll call my ‘approval meter’ where I give cheer to badassery and a jeer otherwise. To be fair, he had a nice first impression and became my favorite from the get-go. +7

Back at the plot, the squad is briefed on their mission: Assassinate a Prophet (leader dudes) on a planet which is a logistical hub for Covenant forces. Said Prophet governs the sector and this would provide “months of tactical advantage” to the UNSC. Since this is essentially what someone with basic knowledge of military science would call a spec ops mission, it’ll be carried out with “minimum risk to the UNSC.” Subsequently, the mission starts 5 minutes after briefing. Badass. Oh, and the Spartan becomes their commanding officer for the operation, even though “he” doesn’t speak till the end and by all means Cortez still fulfills the leadership role. Good job there, storywriters.

Once they penetrate the atmosphere, the meteor shower they’re riding on just so happens to pick out Chad from the 5 drop-pods, so he dies. Guess what, kids? Our boy Chad just so happens to be what we call an “African-American” nowadays. That’s right, the black dude dies first. Because of meteors. He didn’t even do anything. Had like, 3 lines. Dies. Screams. Goes boom. So umm…yeah.

Leaving it at that, they nearly lose O’Brian too when his drop-pod crashlands in a pond, but a bit of plot immunity and plot-induced causality save him from a watery grave when the Spartan just goes over and manhandles O’Brian’s drop-pod to dry, safe land. Then O’Brian bitches about how the Spartan was “rough.” -1

I don’t know if the grass is greener on the other side, seeing this is an alien planet, but at least metaphorically it is, because our boys land near their target. They set out and on the way there, stumble to Forerunner ruins that are eeriely conveniently alike to… Japanese architecture. And here I was expecting actual Forerunner ruins. But no, the Japanese just have to push their ethnocentric bullshit on us whenever they can, don’t they? What’s next? Forerunner language is Moonspeak? Well, look at the bright side: At least this confirms the Japanese really are Mooninites. *rimshot*

Anywho, there’s Covenant patrols afoot, and our heroes effortlessly eliminate a couple Grunts… except O’Brian, who gets them spotted. Way to go. I’m pretty sure snipers and spec ops are supposed to be stealthier than fucking ninjas. -2. Oh, and he hesitates on shooting a Grunt, the fucking Goombas of the Halo games. -2

In any case, the Spartan jumps a Brute Chieftain which ambushes O’Whiner, saving him again, and shows that furry some kung fu fighting and knocks it down a waterfall. Meanwhile, all O’Brian can do is helplessly hang on (-1) so he’s helped up by the Spartan and, you guessed it, bitches to his savior yet again. -1. Why must this character archetype exist, particularly in anime? -2

They leave the Mooninite Japanese Forerunner ruins and get to the spot they’re gonna cap that Prophet from. The Spartan takes up the famous (and bad-fucking-ass) SRS99C-S2 AMB Sniper Rifle and is about to take the shot, but the Brute from before ambushes them and–wait for it–Spartan person saves our loser protagonist WHO’S JUST STANDING THERE a third and final time. -1

Unfortunately, we’re all atheists in the future, so the third time wasn’t the charm for this Spartan as the blow is fatal. Oh right, the Spartan is Samus a chick. No, seriously, she’s fucking blonde and everything. It’s like Master Chief and Samus… Ohgodbadfanfictonwhy Get it guys? “Babysitter”? Double standard? Japanese exploitation of females? Hur hur. Anyway, she urges Mr.Backup to take the shot, which he does (it was beautiful by the way. No, not Samus, the shot. +3) which elevates the approval meter on O’Brian to a grand total of…0.

After Cal-141 (Spartan chick) dies, we’re back at the mess hall, where the same guy from before (you know, first sentence if you’re still paying attention) finally tries striking up conversation only to get apples thrown at him by the enraged ODSTs for dissing the dead Spartan who fought and led them died bravely in battle.

Well, you know what they say: One bad apple…
*dons shades*
…spoils the barrel.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

TL;DR: Badass is really a douchebag, douchebag gets replaced by big guy, big guy saves douchebag, douchebag bitches, rinse and repeat, big guy is really a hot girl, hot girl dies, douchebag becomes badass for 2 seconds, douchebag gets aesop. And ancient alien ruins are Japanese.

Conclusion: This was one of those rather trite “I hate you inhuman bastards who are saving us normal people from imminent death and destruction just because you’re different but now I’ve seen the light through your undeserved death”…things. Pretty sure the trope name exists. Nothing new, but who’s expecting some Shakespearean masterpiece? Personally, I didn’t find it bad, nor did I find it excellent. At just 18 minutes, it was just short–much too short, even–but that’s not unexpected. After all, these are technically OVAs, and those aim for quality over quantity much of the time as opposed to the QUALITY(!!!) more commonly found in long-running anime series. Visual-wise, it didn’t fail to impress, even though my connection quality is crap and I was watching a stream at probably half its quality. My new HDTV widescreen probably helps, but what the hey.

Regardless, unless you’re acquainted with the Halo universe, I don’t see the typical weeaboo watching this, much less passing it for entertainment. Just like The Animatrix, these shorts are strictly for fans who wish to delve deeper into the universe of one of the most popular sci-fi settings of the new millennium, though perhaps sci-fi fans in general might want to consider giving them a look-see. As for me, I’ll be watching them every Saturday and (probably) will bring a synopsis weekly as they come up. I’m no fanboy, but I know the military sci-fi fan in me is squealing in delight, however short each “episode” might be.

Segnala presso:

Next up, we have my sub/secondary Rachel Alucard, the local badass verbose gothic delicious loli of deliciousness. If you can’t tell by her very original surname, she is a vampire. And seeing a vague likeness to the Scarlets of Touhou, I’d bet my money on this being Moonlily’s main were she to play BlazBlue.

Anyway, let’s get on with it.

I'm bored...

Height: 145 cm

Birth date: October 31

Weight: 34 kg

Blood Type: Unknown

Birthplace: Transylvania

Hobby: Tea

Likes/Important to her: Time, Teacup collection

Dislikes: Boredom, Green Peppers

Tier: A

Theme: Queen of Rose, White Requiem (vs. Ragna)

Seiyuu: Kana Ueda

English VA: Mela Lee

The current head of the noble vampire clan of Alucard, Rachel slipped out of her castle in search of fun because she hates to be bored, which she is all the time due to living a mundane lifestyle. Despite her status however, she deeply loathes her vampiric impulses. Due to the way two ribbons hold her hair in place, some of the characters call her “rabbit” because the ribbons look like rabbit ears. She seems to be stalking Ragna – this is because she accidentally turned him into a half-vampire giving him his powers. (This is also the reason behind his heterochromia.) Rachel can apparently create a small pocket dimension called Requiem, which she calls the dream world. She is often accompanied by her familiars, Nago and Gii, whom she often treats very roughly, and is supervised by her butler and guardian Valkenhayn Hellsing (more points on originality right here). Rachel is the only character seemingly aware of the full extent of the story. She has control of the Tsukiyomi unit, a device (probably Armagus) that is able to deflect the blast that was capable of destroying Ikaruga with minimal effort.

Rachel is unique. While she may have the least amount of moves in the game, she is one of the hardest characters to use correctly and efficiently; a steep learning curve, if you will. For you Brawlers out there (Odd game to compare to this HARDCORE COMPETITIVE one amirite?), she’s like Peach and Snake had a kid… and genetically modified the kid with Pikachu DNA. And fed it steroids and crack.

She is a character with a rather unorthodox style of combat in accordance to her haughty upbringing. Detesting physical contact, she relies on her “familiars” Nago and Gii to do the combat at her command, as Nago shapeshifts to several forms (his default being an umbrella) and Gii…well, gets her tea. She plays a very defensive game by luring her foes into several traps, the most deadly of which are up to 3 lightning rods she fires via Nago in cannon form at her opponent at three different distances (using the A-B-C variants), in a move called Tiny Lobella. The ‘A’ variant is a good rush stopper, whilst the B-C carry anti-air properties. These, once in place, are good to keep an opponent on their toes, as you can summon lightning on their unholy ass at any time using Sword Iris, or Baden-Baden Lily, her Distortion, which does much more damage (more on that below).

In addition to this is Impish Gypsophilia, a floating, glowing pumpkin which does no damage by itself, but is a good repellant projectile when using Sylpheed (“the wind”), Rachel’s drive (more on that later), and the infamous frog, George XIII (We call him “Froggy” ’round here =D), who just wants hugs by electrecuting the crap out of your opponent for a stunning(!!!) 8-hit combo pursues your opponent like a guided frog bomb…thing. There is a catch to these techniques, though; if Rachel gets hit (even if she blocks), they vanish. And seeing how they leave her vulnerable for a few frames when she’s summoning them, you best do this when your opponent cannot exploit your brief vulnerability.

Sylpheed, Rachel’s drive, allows her to manipulate the wind in any direction of her choosing. This is useful for a lot of Rachel’s game, but can be difficult to properly use in all of its multi-situational versatility in a timely and masterful manner. Purposes include: Blowing the pumpkin around, increasing your momentum for more damaging combos, negating your opponent’s momentum to ensnare him in a shocking trap of lightning rods (and Froggy!), retreat from a charging foe when you’re cornered, and wildly swing yourself across the stage while gently floating down holding an umbrella a la Peach in SSB. Sylpheed is limited to a 4-part gauge which slowly refills only when Rachel’s feet are on terra firma, so keep that in mind.

Despite Rachel being a very defensive character, she is not without her deadly offensive attacks and combos. Some of her attacks are very good, either doing great damage, having excellent priority (Priority Throne comes to mind; details below), or comboing with some ease (with some assistance from the wind, of course).

Rachel only has one Distortion Drive, Baden-Baden Lily, but that is all she needs. She summons lightning around herself and to the lightning rods and each hits 4 times (6 around Rachel) and does moderate damage. However, when all of this is combined, it’s powerful enough to take out over half of your opponent’s life gauge with approximately 21 hits, potentially making it one of the most damaging attacks in the game, and that is without including the ungodly potential for additional hits and combos as your opponent is stunned for one whole second by lightning (an effect shared by George XIII and Sword Iris).

Of course, our delicious loli is not without her weaknesses. She’s rather frail, and can’t take a hit. When put under pressure, it can be hard for her to escape, and her game can collapse like a house of cards this way, so you’ll need to maintain your cool (and Her Highness’s personal space) to avoid being caught in such predicament. To that end, you’ll be blocking a lot, and I mean a lot, and making severe use of several ‘counter’ moves, particularly that down-C move (which I call “Priority Throne” due to its…well, high priority) which acts as a quasi-counter to many rush-in attacks, if timed correctly. Be wary, though; if you mistime the throne–or many of your attacks– with Rachel, she (or Mr. Umbrella, rather) will be in for a world of hurt.

All in all, Rachel seems destined to be a top-tier character (according to Xéro) due to the massive damage she can inflict and the difficulty in getting enough hits on her to win the fight, although she is nowhere near evasive as Arakune or v-13. If used by someone who’d surpassed the steep learning curve that is Rachel’s intriguing fighting style– there aren’t many Rachel users, mind you– she should prove to be an interesting and deadly opponent.  It all comes down to whether Rachel can negate whatever pressure the opponent attempts to put down on her whilst gracefully evading contact with your lowly foe until Miss Rachel is at an advantageous position to teach them some manners. <3

Now, where is the Princess’s tea? THE PRINCESS HAS REQUESTED MORE TEA~!

Segnala presso:

In any case, here is the profile for Major Jin “Win” Kisaragi, BRRROTHER!

JIN WIN

Height: 178cm

Weight: 61kg

Birthday: 2/14

Blood Type: A

Birthplace: England

Hobby: Collecting vintage motorcycles

Likes: Nothing (maybe ‘cept Ragna in a not so friendly way)

Dislikes: Meat and Weak People EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

Eyes: Green

Tier Listing: B+ to A

Theme Song: Lust SIN, Under Heaven Destruction (vs. Ragna)

Seiyuu: Tetsuya Kakihara (Yes, that’s Simon from TTGL… =( )

English VA: David Vincent (Grimmjow, Li Xingke, etc.)

Jin Kisaragi is a Major of the NOL, thus being one of its elite commanding officers. He is always cool and calm, but is also easily jealous, ambitious, and posessive, with little care for others, treating them like they’re just obstacles. He displayed formidable actions to gain his rank during the Ikaruga Civil War by personally killing the enemy leader, Lord Tenjo. When he heard that Ragna had arrived on Kagusutchi, he quickly abandoned his post to hunt him down by himself. The reason he is after Ragna to kill him is because he is his biological brother, whose rivalry with him stems from an accident involving their long lost sister Saya during their childhood. After the incident he was adopted into the noble Kisaragi house. His psychosis is caused by his sword Yukianesa, which is speculated to “drive” (HUR HUR GET IT GUYS) its user insane. Jin also has a striking connection to Hakumen – in fact, Hakumen is actually Jin from an alternate timeline.

Jin is a good, all-around character (some would call him the “Ryu archetype,” but I wouldn’t know). He is supposed to be very uninteresting to fight as, but I’d have to disagree. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of traditional fighting experience (never really liked ‘em), but oh well.

Being good all-around, he is easily adaptable to most situations. His Drive, while not “flashy”, can be very effective (and is quickly becoming notorious for being used in Ranked matches by spammers to continiously freeze the opponent with “no way out”; a grapple break and moving the control stick left and right repeatedly should do the trick). That being said, in my experience, he’s better played defensively most of the time, relying  on hit-and-run tactics with aid from his projectiles to space (especially when threatened to be under pressure by characters like Ragna and Bang) and attack when an opening presents itself, or when the opponent is weak enough to be defeated in a combo. As for weaker characters whose game revolves around defense and distance, such as Rachel, Carl and v-13, the prospect is to switch to a more aggressive offensive game so they’re not allowed to ensnare you in their traps. Some characters seem to be very effective against Jin, namely Noel (who ISN’T she effective against with her spam?), Tager and Arakune, whose various attributes seem to exploit some of Jin’s strengths and play on his weaknesses.

One of Jin’s most vital tools to his game is arguably his ICE SURFBOARD OF COOLNESS(!!!), which is an ice spire which he rides across the stage towards his opponent. It’s good to close in when you see that opening present itself, or to play tricks on your opponent (when using the weaker variants, which travel less further). It’s really great, and you can use the Easy Special 2 to use the “C” variant. It’s no wonder I had a 30+ winning streak (twice!!!) with Jin the first day it came out, which only ended when I switched to Rachel (my sub, at the moment). This is a real tide-turner if used right, as it deals a fair amount of damage and is versatile, useful in all situations, starting combos, ending combos, etc. However, it’s not without its weaknesses; if your opponent blocks, it leaves you very vulnerable to poking (Weak, but quick, attacks) and the subsequent combo, even after you land, making it very punishable for you if you don’t time it right or if your opponent loves to turtle or spam (I’m looking at you, Noel and Arakune users).

In my experience, Jin doesn’t seem to do enough damage to pulverize opponents quickly enough, which is why I find myself on the defensive a lot, unless I’m going against a frail character as said before.

Overall though, as I’ve been told, Jin is easy to pick up and a force to be reckoned with on the right hands, and those Ky Kiske players which were alienated by his constant nerfs should feel at home with Jin who is guaranteed to be on the higher tiers (and at the time I type this, roughly half of the top players on the Leaderboards main Jin).

And for the love of god, people in Ranked matches, stop spamming his drive, grab and “C” slash. It’s not cool. It’s nowhere near as bad as Noel’s Michael Jackson dance Drive spam, but still.

Oh, and he hates you too, yaoi fangirls and rule 63fags.

Segnala presso:

All right, as promised, I’ve forsaken sleep and offline activities to watch the E3 conference live at 11 AM (That’s 2 hours earlier than yesterday!). In any case, I will type this as I see it, so please note that sections of this has been free-written and it may come off as very, very informal (or maybe even wrong, but I’ll update any errors I find out). But who cares about formality, we’re not doing an essay here. We’re here to find out about our games, yo. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you…

So, the Sony conference basically starts out with Sony declaring that they’re going to talk about titles that Microsoft’s already announced in their conference. Besides loving Microsoft’s sloppy seconds again this year, Sony is STILL talking about the Playstation 2 and how it’s still “outselling” next-gen systems (especially their own!), and how they’ll continue its 10+ year-old cycle. You know, the same shit they talked about back at last year’s E3. If the best part isn’t how Sony’s still talking about its last-gen system, then Sony being the only one relying on sales statistics when everyone else mostly has moved on from that at this year’s E3 is.

Then, he assumes everyone’s been playing inFamous and that’s why they’ve got bags in their eyes. The crowd, to my surprise, cheers and applauds; seems the spokesman’s master plan of boring the people with irrelevant statistics has worked like a charm. Finally, he lets a game developer take the stage to talk about Uncharted 2. You know, actual games. (I think Sony might have taken the longest to actually get to that.) A gameplay trailer plays out as the main character takes on an attack helicopter. Somehow rolling away from Gatling gun fire and running towards the helicopter makes it miss, and with a clingy annoying female sidekick cheering him on, he goes on to storm through a building full of bad guys with the marksman skills of an Imperial Stormtrooper platoon. After a lackluster ending, Mr. Speakerperson tersely says something in a really dull fashion and departs.

Sony CEO makes an appearance(!!!) and explains the new PSP Go, tailored for those with a “digital lifestyle.” I couldn’t catch the price, but it’ll be 50% smaller and 40% lighter than the original PSP.

Hideo Kojima returns, this time with a translator (lol?), to announce Metal Gear Solid: Peacewalker for the PSP. The “true missing link” in the MGS franchise, it takes Snake to the defenseless nation of Costa Rica as it’s invaded by an unknown army. A very well-done trailer, which refuses to end about 5 times, presents Snake sneaking around the rooftops of a village that looks EXACTLY like the one you start in on Resident Evil 5. I’m not even kidding. Incidentally, Resident Evil is talked about next, with yet another incoming PSP game.

So, this video showcasing what appears to be hundreds of titles plays for around 10 minutes (I even went for a bathroom break, a snack, took a roadtrip to Las Vegas, came back, and it was still playing).

So with that delicious filler over, we go to…more monologue! Fear not, though, for I dug a gem out of the dirt! I quote the main Sony spokesman: “For the past 15 years, Sony has been synonymous with the greatest franchises in the industry:  Grand Theft Auto, Bully, Manhunt…” Yes, he actually said those last two.

And now not only is Sony taking Microsoft’s sloppy seconds, but Ubisoft is too, as it shows gameplay footage of Assassin’s Creed II. It reveals Da Vinci’s flying machine, which uses the hot smoke emitted by the numerous bonfires around the city to keep itself in the air (I got no idea if that’s even physics-friendly, but it works). After gliding through Venice and dodging fireworks and arrows from sentries declaring him a “flying demon,” our cold-hearted assassin hero Ezio reaches his assassination target, which, according to the game developer, can only be accessed by air. Err, puzzling.  Anywho, Ezio displays new and funner ways to stealthily kill guards and other people: It seems they made the “pouncing from above + hidden blade” kill easier to execute; and, to the crowd’s great delight, Ezio is seen stabbing two guards in the throat simultaneously with the help of duo hidden blades in each hand. No longer will you have to worry about the second guard detecting you when you backstab his friend! Finally, Ezio reaches his target and takes care of him, and what’s more, it seems the hour-long-death-sequence-in-an-alternate-plane-of-existence-while-I-offer-you-some-last-words-in-a-cryptic-fashion cutscenes still occur, to boot.

A great-looking RPG trailer (with quite possibly the greatest music I’ve heard on any trailer in this E3) plays on screen, and… oh, it’s just Final Fantasy XIII. Never mind. Then, what’s this? Another MMORPG on the way by Square Enix… oh, wait, it’s just another Final Fantasy game. Moving on.

SURPRISE!  Sony introduces us to a dildo with a glowing purple orb as a… no wait, that’s just their Wiimote. I’ll just go ahead and coin the term PS3mote for this new…thing.

Anyhow, they show how you can wield just about virtually (pun intended) anything using the PS3mote, from “Stop” signs, to BFSs, to tennis rackets, to golden Desert Eagles. You could even hold a flashlight and move it around to appreciate the great lighting. Additionally you can draw and write, and do all sorts of other more mundane things that the Wii hasn’t done yet, and with better graphics and motion sensing to boot. Amazingly, it seems to perfectly meld both the Wiimote and Microsoft’s Project Natal quite nicely. Impressive, but Sony’s still taking sloppy seconds here. Sloppy thirds, even.

So the apparently much-anticipated game the Last Guardian, formerly known as Trico, is one of the last trailers to be revealed. It focuses around some temple boy running away and almost falling from a high place; then some fugly, dog-headed, feathered, lizard-footed, mutant FREAK thing saves him; and then they have a bunch of adventures together with somber, idyllic music playing in the background in the style of hippie fantasy conjured by Native American mythology and a shitload of acid.

So, instead of leaving something new and unannounced for the main event (Sony blames “lol leaks” FYI), the main event turns out to be a God of War III live playable demo. It takes Kratos across a war-torn city, and he nearly meets his death in the first 30 seconds of the live gameplay sequence as the guy playing it fails to defend himself from enemy hordes and their ball projectiles. Apparently being rushed by time restraints, he bypasses hordes of enemies and walks through a door, watching Kratos get bombarded by the ball projectiles as the walking through the door animation transpires. On the next room in the level he continues to his destination, humping and raping birds as a means to platform jump to higher places; his large, flaming blade ripping the birds to bloody pieces by the time he gets off of them. He charges the city center, where a titan is doing battle with Helios, the sun god (shouldn’t it be Apollo, considering this is Greek mythology?). Saying flat interjections like “Feel the wrath of the sun!”, Apollo Helios swoops circles around the Titan like a moth in his flaming chariot. While this is all going in the background, Kratos continues. I honestly don’t see how that’s relevant, and I won’t be finding out, because Kratos was too busy action-commanding to death some giant ugly lizard who tried to sneak up on him as he was about to intervene in the Apollo Helios Vs. Titan fight; and, once done, the game was cut short because they ran out of time, bringing an end to the last E3 conference this year.

And no, no PS3 price drop. Raeg some moar.

Segnala presso:

All right, as promised, I’ve forsaken sleep and offline activities to watch the E3 conference live at 11 AM (That’s 2 hours earlier than yesterday!). In any case, I will type this as I see it, so please note that sections of this has been free-written and it may come off as very, very informal (or maybe even wrong, but I’ll update any errors I find out). But who cares about formality, we’re not doing an essay here. We’re here to find out about our games, yo. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you…

SPOTLIGHT: NINTENDO

The Nintendo conference begins, unsurprisingly, with the usual video featuring games of all sort and all that (accompanied by Nintendo’s choice of lame Wiitastic music). A spokeswoman walks in, and rambles on for several minutes about how “your uncle calls you asking for tips in Mario Kart Wii”, and how “your aunt plays video games now.” Soon enough, though, she starts treading towards the video game icon himself, Mario. Cue a few of his achievements being shown on screen to trendy music (this happens a lot. Damn the Japanese for being proficient at the art of filler). At this point I see the crowd holding their breath as she speaks of yet another new domain for Mario to explore. Introducing a New Super Mario Bros. for the Wii. There was really no title released for it, so I supposed its tentative title is New Super Mario Bros. Wii, or something like that. It looks like a modernized Super Mario Bros. (much like New Super Mario Bros., of course) except it has–get this–4 player co-op, much like Four Swords Adventures.  Interesting indeed, and a first for the Mario series. Took them long enough, no? Unfortunately though, announcing something so “big” as the first game really just shouts to me, “There, we announced a Mario game. Now STFU so we can announce our money-making casualfaggotry for the rest of this thing.”

And soon our depressing spokeswoman begins talking of Wii Fit Plus. Not that anybody cares, but it will arrive this fall.

Mercifully, the Wii Fit Plus announcement barely lasts two minutes as Reggie-Fils Aime makes his way to the stage. His first subject is the Wii Motion Plus, and although not too many core gamers would be pleased about it, I’m personally interested. Maybe I can finally enjoy what Nintendo promised so long ago without raging at the ineptitude of a motion-sensor console from the same company which made the very-entertaining-yet-highly-underrated Light Zapper and Super Scope over a decade before the Wii was released.

So, Wii Sports Resort… Wait, wasn’t this game covered at last year’s E3? Why isn’t it out yet? Why are we having yet another display of this game at E3 a whole year later? Well, in any case, it features parachute drops, archery, and basketball, just for starters. Fortunately, Wii Motion Plus’s gonna be bundled with several Wii Motion Plus-compatible games, such as Red Steel 2 (as I said in the previous entry), and Wii Sports Resort.

Ah, yes. I like how the first thing I think of when I hear Square-Enix is Final Fantasy, and lo and behold: Final Fantasy: The Crystal Bearers. Plus, a Kingdom Hearts again… using the same theme song as the last Kingdom Hearts. Way to be original there, guys.

Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story set for this fall. And more RPGs… WHAT’S THIS? Golden Sun DS?! It’s in 3D, too It’s–… the characters look ridiculous in 3D. Chibi sprites don’t do well in 3D. But still, it looks fucking awesome! I can’t wait. Now, to beat Golden Sun 2 again… fffffffffffu-

Cue tongue-in-cheek anime wannabe game: C.O.P. And… Oh great, more Barbie games! This time we’ve got Style Savvy. What’s this, now? Miss Soccer Mom spokeswoman stifling some laughs after seeing such a shallow feminine money-grubber on the big screen? She knows it’s ridiculous, I’d like to think.

Another Mario vs. Donkey Kong. This one has Wi-Fi support and a map maker. Yes, I realize these descriptions are short and shallow, but that’s how Nintendo is giving them (surprise, surprise). They’re running this very quickly, like they wanna pack as much games in as little time as possible.

So President and CEO of Nintendo Satoru Iwata finally takes the stage, and… rambles on. And on. And on. I zoned out (as did everyone else I was talking to about it), so I got no idea what he was talking about, but I did gather that they divide players to those who “Never play”, “Play”, and “Maybe play one day.” Yes, disregard the well-known consensus of hardcore gamer and casual gamer, that works too! Something good did come out of those, though: Quite a few cheap laughs caused by Mr. Iwata’s thick Engrish. Finally, this ‘look into the future’ finishes up with a “pulse checker.” ….Yeah.

Oh, what’s this?! For the first time, another full 3D Mario game for the same console?! So, the trailer begins, and you’re thinking “Holy shit, holy shit, another Mario 3D adventure THIS soon?!” And then, it dawns on you: This looks just like Super Mario Galaxy. What’s this, Super Mario Galaxy 1.5, I joked to myself. And then, lo and behold, the title of this upcoming release: Super Mario Galaxy 2. Yes, 2. It doesn’t just look like Super Mario Galaxy, it IS Super Mario Galaxy. Nintendo has officially lost all integrity. What’s next? Twilight Princess 2? Brawl 2? Kid Icarus 2? Wait, that last one would make millions orgasm worldwide. Hopefully, the sheer bullshit detailing this situation becomes something of a widespread joke around the interwebs, because I really, REALLY hope I’m not the only one appalled by this shit. Nonetheless, the most notable new feature in this patch update BRAND NEW GAME is that Yoshi is back to giving Mario piggyback rides.

The Conduit, Resident Evil: DarkSide Chronicles, Dead Space: Extraction… Darker and edgier games aside, Reggie boldly announces Nintendo, too, has a darker and edgier game in the works.

The trailer is underway, revealing Nintendo’s collaborating with Team NINJA, of Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive fame, in a partnership called Project M. The real trailer begins; already, the sci-fi setting is evident. A blonde hottie stares out to a thriving megalopolis. And then the vacuum of space, in what appears to be a military space station. Subsequent scenes have her donning her very familiar Power Suit… Wait, what? Soon, we’re seeing Samus Aran in a rich 3D environment, taking out enemies with a combination of brutal melee attacks and well-aimed projectiles, and a spectacular brawl between her and archnemesis Ridley as the typical magma background seethes. The thing is, this all looke like actual gameplay, implying a third-person action-adventure experience. Then, we move on to the cutscenes; not only do the cinematics look epic and unlike anything Nintendo’s ever done before (except maybe Brawl’s Subspace Emissary), but… VOICE ACTING? The title is finally revealed: Metroid: Other M. Nintendo’s main event garners quite a loud applause, and deservingly so. The game simply looks amazing. Will this finally be a move in the right direction, bringing a refreshing, new outlook to one of Nintendo’s classic franchises? Or will this be stupefyingly disappointing, just like Twilight Princess 2? Only time will tell.

Update: I got wind of Miyamoto’s closed conference illustrating some art for the next Legend of Zelda for the Wii. Makes me wonder why this wasn’t shown at the actual conference.

Segnala presso:

All right, as promised, I’ve forsaken sleep and offline activities to watch the E3 conference live at 1 PM. In any case, I will type this as I see it, so please note that sections of this has been free-written and it may come off as very, very informal (or maybe even wrong, but I’ll update any errors I find out). But who cares about formality, we’re not doing an essay here. We’re here to find out about our games, yo. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you…

SPOTLIGHT: EA

Kicking off the EA conference is a Dante’s Inferno trailer. Oddly enough, it bears no resemblance to the Divine Comedy. Of course not. It would be like that. After that, we have a Sims 3 trailer.

Sometime around here I stopped paying attention for like… 20-30 minutes because they mostly talked about EA Sports. So yeah. I apologize for the inconvenience if anything of actual importance was announced during this time, but I simply slacked off because nobody cares about EA Sports. (It’s in the game! Which you just lost)

All that needs to be said about Mass Effect 2. That and “I KNEW SHEPARD WAS STILL ALIVE!” But that was obvious, at least to me anyway.

Brutal Legend. Oh god, this game looks so lulz. As Light said: Jack Black woke up one day, was bored, called EA and was like, “Hey I wanna make a game for the lulz.”

And now Jack Black’s doing a comedic gig involving him trying to make a live-action gameplay footage because they’re “lacking actual footage.” Seeing some good ol’ Jack Black comedy while watching E3? That’s some win, my friends.

Unfortunately, we have to move on from BRUTAL LEGEND!!! to… Crysis 2. Oh god, and a new engine too?! This game’s specs will be so high, it’ll break every single piece of electronic equipment on the face of the earth when it’s released, sending us back to the Stone Age.

What the hell? APB? All Points Bulletin. Apparently it’s a crime MMO…thing. Not much to say on that.

So anyway, OMG STAR WARS!!! Is overrated. But that’s irrelevant. Star Wars: The Old Republic will be the first fully-voiced MMO. And considering it’s being made by BioWare, known for Knights of the Old Republic and Mass Effect, it’s downright likely that this will be good. And will have an actual plot. As was said in the messenger conversation, ITT BioWare cockslaps Blizzard and World of Warcraft.

Everybody knows Star Wars can be awesome when George Lucas doesn’t lay his fat, corrupting fingers upon his own creations. So after the most awesome trailer I’ve seen today involving a huge battle between Jedi and Sith and some unmasked Darth Vader lookalike kicking ass, the conference ends.

SPOTLIGHT: UBISOFT
The Ubisoft conference began with the rather humorou Joel McHale (Light: THAT’S THE GUY FROM “THE SOUP” GUYS HOLY SHIIIIT) discussing some stuff, nothing of much importance. I should have been annoyed by this, but he was entertaining, so I didn’t care. Notably, he casually says his Gamertag is Seacrest Slayer 311 (add him if you don’t believe him?!). About 5 minutes later, it’s the Ubisoft CEO’s turn to speak, and things quickly got boring, and his French accent got annoying (I’m sure I heard some snickers from the crowd). He announced something called “U-Play,” which I’ve no idea what it is, because I didn’t really understand what he was saying. Afterwards, they begin talking about the game based on the upcoming movie Jack Cameron’s Avatar (No relation to Avatar: The Last Airbender). The game will be released before the film comes out, and it’ll have a point of divergence early on to avoid spoilers. Frankly, the premise sounds interesting (and it’s not an adaptation of some obscure novel or comic for once!), but he rambled on and on and on and on and on and ON about it; I’d say 10 minutes, at least, over half of that spent explaining the movie’s plot. So although I was interested, E3 really isn’t the place to explain your great original sci-fi movie plot. The crowd sounded rather…displeased. The best part is, they applauded wildly once he announced his departure. Makes me wonder if they were really excited about “the movie: the game” or if they were glad of him finally shutting up.

Sweet, McHale is back. After he said some more stuff, the Red Steel 2 trailer played. Looks good, but not too many people were satisfied with the first one. Maybe Wii Motion+ MotionPlus will help, but since I don’t play with my Wiimote (much less have this Wii Motion+), I wouldn’t know; fortunately, the Wii MotionPlus will be bundled with Red Steel 2. Doesn’t matter to me though, but I’ll have to beat RS1 first.

Pele (some Brazilian soccer player) comes in, and talks about… something. In Portuguese. Once again, more monologue crap about his game and more bullshit WE DON’T CARE ABOUT. how 2 trailer? So after 5-10 minutes, we see that Pele’s vision of his jerk-off video game is soccer meets Harry Potter, finished with a blatant ripoff of Super Mario Strikers.

Moving on from that Brazilian slutness, we proceed to the new Splinter Cell game, Splinter Cell: Conviction, which has been in development for 3 years. I don’t play the Splinter Cell games, but it’s an improvement over the crap Ubisoft’s presented so far. I mean, it’s got…guns! Everything’s better with guns, right? Right. So anyway, McHale accordingly punctuates the end of the trailer with a “Holy crap.” In an actual gameplay illustration, the developers show how you can beat up and torture random mooks for interrogation purposes; smash them against toilets, walls, windows, etc. Fisher now goes low-tech in some of his gadgets, such as using a mirror to peek underneath doors. Fisher is also much quicker, more agile and more lethal in what Ubisoft calls “dynamic stealth” (sounds something like “MGS stealth” to me). So the player sneaks into a grand hall where many baddies are located, and he sneaks in through the shadows. When the lights go out and turn back on, we see more examples of a possibly shit A.I., when the A.I. fails to respond to an obviously mysterious, shadowy figure dropping from the ceiling and behind them. Inexplicably, there’s HUGE WHITE LETTERS found everywhere in the facility, which was… weird. In any case, if this wasn’t mentioned at the Microsoft conference, it’s gonna be released this fall exclusively for the Xbox 360.

Next up is an awesome war trailer featuring two men across a virtual battlefield table…thing. The battle site is a beach, reminiscient of Normandy (because that was totally the most important and bestest battle of all time amirite?); one man is attempting an amphibious invasion on the man sitting on the right side of the table. The defender unleashes his artillery barrage as the invading amphibious landers surf the waves to reach the coast to establish a beachhead. The defending forces then finish off the landing force by summoning a tank battallion, which obleriates the remaining Higgins boats. The lid falls down… and the soldiers end up being dummies. Player 2 looks puzzled; Player 1 smirks, and manipulates the table to reveal his real invading force, consisting of a much larger force than the one seen before, including battleships and/or aircraft carriers. Player 2 cringes, and the real game begins. The game’s name: Ruse. It was very interesting. Being a total military nut, I am interested on what this might be. Seemed World War II-era, too, which is another plus for me.

Next, we move on to casual games. ‘Ugh,’ you say. Yes, there really is nothing much to cover here. There’s more games directed at a female crowd. I think it’s called Three I’s [sic], or something. But no one cares about that. So some dude comes in and reminds us (more like rubs it in our faces) that the fastest growing genre in the past 12 months is… surprise! Fitness! Thanks a lot, jackass, going into the largest video gaming conference of the year to inform everybody there that casual gamers are the cancer of video gaming. The casualfaggotry goes on for a long time, possibly over 15 minutes. God, this is so sickening, that’s over 9000 fitness “games” out now. What the fuck? If you wanna get fit by buying a 50 dollar “video game”, that’s your choice, and that’s great, but guess what, “game” developers? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VIDEO GAMING! Jesus fuck.

Well, it’s Rayman’s turn, apparently, in Rabbids Go Home. Oh wait, it’s not even Rayman anymore. It’s just a bunch of fucking rabbits. Woo-hoo. After 5 minutes of rattling and squeezing the head of a Rabbid (how is that fun?), we get around to “actual gameplay”, including “exotic gameplay” where in you skateboard (whatever happened to playing actual skateboard games for that?). This includes a somewhat embarrassing part which involves the spokesman saying “Here’s why”, followed by a 5-second loading time. Cue awkward silence. Finally, that craptastic presentation ends.

Next up, the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game. He startled me when he mentioned that some of those involved in the Super Smash Bros. series worked on this game… WTF? Not only does the game engine look similar to Super Smash Bros.’s, but in case that wasn’t OBVIOUS enough, check the title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up. Yes, real subtle there, Ubisoft.

Finally, to the pleasure of many, Ubisoft finally gets to No More Heroes 2. Unfortunately, they said little to nothing of importance about it, and so we’re left craving for more.

Fortunately though, that blunder is mitigated by the main event: Assassin’s Creed II! A brand new trailer, set in 1436 Venice, Italy. There’s a party involving people in their fancy theater masks (which look rather anachronous to me; they look Victorian, but I could be wrong). Then, suddenly, the focus of the trailer has his throat slit by a familiar white-clad assassin. He escapes through the screaming crowd, and the guards (also wearing masks for some reason) go after him. The assassin drops from a three-story building, slaps Isaac Newton in the face (© Sonata Light) by surviving, and lands nimbly on his feet, rising to face his target, who is very confident. As he brags and reveals his hidden blade (in the style of his ancestor Altair from the first game), this new assassin rises his hand, pointing at the man, and a very audible gunshot echoes through the streets; he has been owned by the power of a hidden gauntlet flintlock pistol thing! Blood spills on his crucifix, and the screen gives way to the game’s title logo. So ends the Ubisoft conference.

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